How do I feel ? Being made to feel I don’t exist? That I’m unworthy .. or useless ? That I don’t or didn’t matter? Watching people / family abandon me and almost leave me for dead? To sit here crying in the dark in silence.. wishing for daylight, work, a distraction.. anything to keep my mind off how worthless and invisible I feel?
Grasping so tight to the thought that one day….one day someone will look in my eyes and be honest and make me feel that I’m worthy and that I’m valued.
Not just discarded trash. I’m worth something
Now on Tuesday nights I get to work with a bunch of talented kids that inspire me beyond words.
Here’s a snippet from tonight’s class ❤️
Here are the Balletto’s Dancers performing my Choreography to Lea Michele’s – Proud
I tried to move forward. Just when I think I can …. I move backwards. My heart refuses to move. Refuses to let anyone else in.
It’s sad. It’s lonely. It’s angry. It’s stuck.
Every time someone wants to get close … I run. Petrified? Maybe. Untrusting ? Most likely. Most of all… no one compares to the one my heart adores.
Suffering in silence just breaks me even more. Pieces scattered like a crystal vase hitting a wall. There are so many pieces… where does one start?
Why are you still in my dreams at night?
Is it because you promised we’d grow old together? And you lied?
Is it because my heart is stubborn and refuses to believe that you’ve turned cold against it?
Is it because I see your eyes and they are looking blank and distant? Where are you going with all this?
Why? I rehash everything in my mind at least two to three times a day. What did I ever fucking do to you??
Why? Choose that?
Why? Leave me to die , come back breathe life in to me… only to run away with my heart… come back and fill it with hope… and then leave your boot print on it as you flee? Why?
Why do I deserve this?
What have I done to deserve this?
Why can’t I be with anyone else without seeing your face?
Why are you haunting me?
Why am I laying here in a pool of tears wondering what, when and why?
It’s just too much to think about
It’s too much to feel
It’s hard to let go when you’ve been hanging on for so long
I use to think we could conquer the world when your fingers connected with mine.
Hand in hand we were suppose to take on the world.
Fuck … I miss you. I miss you so much
But I’ve been under water stretching out my hand for far too long
The air has run out.
When falling lifeless to the bottom .. I realized what is important and that I was not.
Staring on the floor looking through the miles of water over me looking to the sky… I have a few thoughts. I hope you are happy and someone let’s you know everyday how incredible you are. I hope someone cherishes you every morning. I hope you hold hands and take on the world.
Yes. Finally I have a weekend ALL to myself and I want to get the hell out of my place. Because if I don’t…. I will work. And I don’t want to work on my weekend off.
Anyone have a beach house, condo, rental… anything? That I can escape to???? If I don’t hide… my boss will find me and throw more work on me.
Help me obi-Wan Kenobi… you’re my only hope. 😬
I need to run away for a bit