Usually…

usually… I go with the flow. I don’t want to say I’m a door mat… But sometimes I am. Today is not one of those days.

I had the barista make my chai tea latte over again… Three times.   Yes.. three.

Why?  Because it was garbage. She wasn’t paying attention when she made it. I watched her carelessly doing her job and chatting away. If I’m paying that much for a drink.. You’re going to make it right.  I’m not going to say it’s OK .. Because it’s NOT OK.  

Usually… I just say “it’s fine”

Nope…. I’m done  with ” it’s fine ”

No settling…  Even when it comes to my coffee or tea.  I refuse to settle for garbage or mediocre. 

I’m going to adopt this attitude for just about every situation.  Men, family, friends, food/drink service, neighbors, negotiations… And so on….

Except pizza…   Pizza gets the free pass. 

Smiling yet crying….

This is so sweet… I just cried like a baby! This is how it should be.. Two people grow old together.. In 64 years he couldn’t wait to see her. He couldn’t wait to hold her hand😭😭😭

Why can’t these two be in the same home?? It’s so rare to see two people together who actually love each other. Sure it happens from time to time… It should happen all the time! People settle… Or they do what’s best for their finances…. Or they do what society thinks they should do. I know I’ve seen too many movies and my head is in a Disney cloud… But what about being with someone because your heart can’t wait to see them, can’t wait to hear about their day, can’t wait to hold their hand, can’t wait to see them smile… When you look in to their eyes, hold their hand, be in the same room with them… There should be magic. 

This video and These two special people are absolutely lovely. 

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=825566620824502

Don’t pelt me with olives…

I would like to go on the record and say that 90’s grunge music was/is annoying. Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, Nirvana, Pearl Jam… Annoying.   I realize they inspired and open doors for other artists… But I can not listen to that sound.  I have the same feeling towards most classic rock.  I go out of my mind when people want to play Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Moody blues… That sort of thing.  

I know, I know… How can I say I love music if I don’t love the classics or have an admiration for grunge rock?? I can not tell you how many times I’ve been on a date on the subject of music comes up and I cringe. Lately… Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd is always brought up. Nirvana is brought up frequently. I usually let them talk about it for five minutes… Then I let them know that I am not a fan of either of those bands. They look at me like I’m crazy… Sometimes they even say ” how can you not like those bands?”  So now when the subject matter comes up and they List any of those bands… I fake a phone call or a reason to leave.  You may say .. “That’s a bit harsh”.    I say… If you are on a road trip with someone.. You should not want to jump out of the moving vehicle if they start playing  “their” playlist.  

So that’s where I’m at. 

Bliss

As I lay here watching the ceiling fan spin… I day dream of a dark night with endless stars in the sky. A white sandy beach looking over crystal blue water and the white foam of the waves.  A stretch of road in the middle of nowhere that has no end. Some place  away from the noise, away from cruel intentions and false faces. Away from deadlines, guidelines, and bullshit lies.  Freedom… Absolute freedom…. 

A deep breath.…

That’s where Bliss resides 

Changes are stirring…

this past week has be a whirlwind.  I like to redirect my sails from time to time… But this time I feel as if I’m ready to take on a long journey.  

Besides now having purple hair…  I have changed a lot of other things.  

My sleep schedule… Caffeine intake…  Organization & scheduling ….  How I handle certain types of people…  Learning to say no…. Scheduling time for me… Taking time off of work for my son…. Limiting the time I give to people that may be toxic or negative….  Reminding myself to appreciate more of what’s around me… Making a business plan for myself …. Making a commitment on buying a home. 

I call it the “grown up plan”…. It’s better late than never I suppose?   Haha 

I tried this plan a couple years back and it terrified me.  It was out of my safety zone and I ran back to old habits, negative /over thinking, clinging to the familiar…   Basically I gave up.   

I am back on that road again.  This time… a little more determined.  

Here’s to jumping roads in the opposite direction… Where it goes?  I’m not incredibly sure… But it is one less traveled and that is what’s so intriguing. 

😊

Money

Don’t get me wrong …. If someone wanted to give me $1 million… I would take it in a heartbeat…. As long as it didn’t hurt anyone else… Or I had to put up a false front to get it.   However, a million dollars??  That is very unlikely to happen. I work seven days a week… most of the time… And I feel like I worked pretty hard at my job. Even if I didn’t have to work… I probably would. I probably would be so bored if I didn’t. I don’t rely on anyone, I don’t want anyone to provide for me, I don’t make decisions on my life based on what I can get from someone else. Which brings me to this post today…

When I see women make decisions about their life based on how much money someone has… It makes me ill. How can they not work… But feel so comfortable to hold their hand out and ask for money. Even if they told me in detail over and over again… I still wouldn’t get it.  I have witnessed a woman jumped from man-to-man …having kids here and there by all of them… And I find it funny that she always finds a way to get the man that is extremely well off.  I don’t get it.

  As much as that makes me sick… Watching men do this …makes it worse.       A man would choose a wife, girlfriend , lover ….all based off of her income, her home, her vehicle…. Really???  It’s pathetic and sad.   I think living a life based on what you can get from another person… Money, material things, and so on… Is truly cruel, lazy, mean, heartless, and despicable.  That’s the example they want to set for their children?   That’s how they want to live their lives?  It’s so disgraceful.  

In the past 10 years, I’ve seen more and more of this kind of thing happening. 

When I was younger I heard the term Golddigger a lot. Music, books, magazines, TV, movies… You would always hear the term Golddigger.  I honestly thought it was just some sort of weird stereotype or fabrication of some kind to make a joke more funny or make A song more interesting. I guess I  never thought that sort of person actually existed.              Could Kanye be right?  

Money and material obsessions really hurt a lot of people in the long run. Is it truly bringing these people happiness?  Is it truly filling the obvious void that they have in them?  When they look around… Is all this worth it?  I am curious to when they lay their head down at night… Do they have any regrets? 

Why do people feel that money or gifts Will fill a void?  When I was growing up… My father made a lot of mistakes… They were very hurtful. He would always come back with a present for me… And I think he thought that I would just forget what he did or said. Nothing you could ever give me or buy me could make me forget his behavior.  It was insulting… It just made me feel worse. When a good friend of mine was going to move away… I got a gift. Don’t get me wrong… It was a sweet gesture. Harmless.  However, as I sat there heartbroken .. staring at it. It killed me… Because I knew this gesture could never fill the void of the loss. It only made me more sad… That I was gaining this THING and I didn’t have THEM anymore.  Now… I realize i sound like I’m dangerously tiptoeing over the script from one of my favorite movies… Say anything. Oh… How I wish there were actual Lloyd Doblers in the world. But Lloyd said it best ” I gave her my heart… And she gave me a pen”.   Well played Mr. Cusack. 

I don’t want money, gifts, or any material things to take The place of people. No amount of money in the world could fill some of the voids that I have.  No fancy house can make me feel better.  A gift cannot erase memories.  I could never go to bed at night… And wake up with a clean conscience… If I had used somebody to gain something… or Anything.  

Why are people afraid to work hard , be responsible for their actions, be held accountable for their actions,  be honest, be faithful?? Why do they want so much for themselves…while they give so little??  

Money….  The word itself is exhausting.

Fake, Phony, Superficial wrapped up in a Dishonest Selfish tortilla

The other day I started thinking about some of the people in my life.  My relationships with them and how they affect me and how I affect them.  I believe that every relationship… Friends, family, lovers… Should be a two way street. 

People will say….

  • I’m here if you.. If you need me
  • What can I do for you?
  • Let me know if you need anything

Most of them are liars.  They just say that to make themselves feel better …. Because they know they don’t give a crap nor do they want to be bothered with anything you need, feel or have to say. 

The truth is… Most people are so selfish…they will say anything to make themselves feel better while they would throw you away with yesterday’s trash. Sure… you’ll run across genuinely good people now and then. But for the most part… People are pricks. 

Do you or Did you ever have that “person”… That moment… That distant memory that replays over and over again?  Maybe it was a friend, a lover , a family member….                                                     You would lasso the moon and pull it down for them, move mountains to make them happy, drop everything to give them the time they need…. But you are absolutely nothing to them. You aren’t worth their time, breath, patience… Anything. You are someone that they needed at the time … But now you’re disposable , replaceable… Not good enough.

The problem isn’t them… There are people like this at every turn.  Life lessons that are thrown at as… Tests if you will.  I’ve never been good at tests…. Seriously I haven’t.  I get anxiety from the ” what if’s” or   “What isn’ts “.                                                            The problem isn’t them….                           It’s people like ME.

What’s wrong with me?   

  • I take people for their word
  • I wear my heart on my sleeve 
  • I fall in love too fast , too soon, too hard
  • I believe in magic & fairy tales
  • I believe in give and take
  • I believe that nothing is impossible 
  • When I get sad… I cry …
  • When I get mad… And I do get mad… I erupt
  • I don’t hold feelings back, I don’t hide them, I don’t make excuses for them and I don’t blame anyone else for them

Basically…. Society frowns upon this….they would rather have you be this fake and phony poster board child of the great american super person. Basically a superficial, fake,emotionless, hypocrite.      A Tammy Faye Baker… If you will.  

So after all my bullshit rambling… Rambling is one of my fortes… I hold on to those that aren’t phony,fake, selfish or superficial.  Those that want to run through the rain.  Those that will go to coffee just to talk about anything and everything . Those that will hold your hand because they want to … Not because they want to look like a good person.  Those that look at you when you talk and really see you for who you are…. And whether it be good or bad…. They will still be there.

For anyone out there that has a decent bone in their body…. Here’s a thought for you. …..                                                          Say what you mean… And mean what you say… Because someone that would give you their everything may be counting on it. Whether it be good or bad. It’s better than making them feel like they aren’t worth a squirt of piss.

Now excuse me….while I drown my whiny bitter tears in this latte while listening to Tori Amos and coloring flowers and birds.