It’s true…

falling in love with someone is …  One of the worst punishments a person could receive.  I fell in love in my early twenties. I have never allowed myself to fall in love since.  To give someone access to you on that level… Is a lot.  Once you fall… You don’t stop. If you stopped loving that person… You never were in love with them in the first place.  It is one of the most painful feelings to deal with.  I’m not saying people shouldn’t fall in love… I actually am a hopeless romantic with a warped sense of reality… I blame John Hughes & Nora Ephron for that. 

 I have built a fortress to protect myself from getting hurt… And I refuse to let anyone in.  I go through the motions of my day,  I go on dates, listen to guys talk about themselves or they pretend to care what I have to say.  But… I do not let them have access to me.  It is sad that I can’t trust someone… It is sad that no one can fill that void .. The loss of that person.  Even if I try… In the middle of the moment.. My mind goes automatically to them.  Too many memories, too many songs, too many movies , too many things bring me back.  I’ve completely given up on love. 

I wish someone loved me like I love .. To love someone through thick and thin, to love someone and everything about them , to be there for someone no matter what… The truth is… No one has ever shown me that.   So I give up.  Why try?  Why be disappointed? Why feel like a piece of garbage that’s been tossed out?  Why feel completely inadequate with every breath I take?   I will continue to go through the motions of the day. I will continue to pick my head up and remind myself that I’m better than what they think of me. 

While my heart & soul is under lock and key…. I will still move on with my life and salvage what’s left. Build a different life, a different mind set….trying anything to fill that void that sits there in my heart. 

The feeling of not being worthy enough to someone that you would do anything for .. That person that you hold so high on a pedestal… They look down at you and spot on you. That feeling … I will never forget.

I will always be that girl sitting on the floor of an empty apartment.. Watching her world crash all around her… Wondering why?  What did I ever do to deserve such punishment?  Watching someone walk away from you … As you vanish into nothingness. I didn’t matter … When that person meant and still does mean the world to me. I was nothing.

   Some call it ever after… And I agree.

That feeling stays with you for a lifetime. Hours pass, days pass, months , then years…  You numb the feeling but it never goes away.  It shouldn’t …if you loved them… You love them with no limits. 

I hate when I have time off of work… I spend a lot of hours feeling…lost.  Work, friends, family are a distraction to whats sitting heavy in my heart and mind. 

Do I hope that someone rides up on a horse and rescues me from the evil tower?        You bet!  

Do I hope that someone loves me like I love?  Of course 

Does love stink? Is love a battlefield?  Heh

It feels like it.  

John Hughes… May he rest in peace…         Is an ass.  

Nora Ephron… You are a cruel individual. 

The last 30 minutes of Moulin Rouge displays it best.  The gut wrenching , tears streaming down your face, unable to breathe, unable to move because everything hurts…   That is a heartbreaking in half.  You feel it everywhere… It swallows you. 

Is love cruel or is the person who loves just a silly fool?  


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