In the news….

So today I was reading through the news and ran into the story of a female comic, Nicole Aubor,  channel being banned from YouTube because of her  aggressive “fat shaming” video.

Being a bigger girl… I have never been the skinny girl…  I disagree with her channel being shut down.  I think it’s a little ridiculous that this is an emergency situation.  

Reality TV star, Whitney Way Thore,  responded to the video via YouTube. In her video she shares her view on the video and gives some talking points about her situation.  She makes some valid points and some are a little weak. 

She did bring up one point.  In Aubor’s video … She makes a comment… I don’t care if this shames them into getting thinner. She also goes on the day the ” fat shaming doesn’t exist”…” It’s something fat people made up” 

It sounds like she may have a valid point. However… It exists.  It does not make people want to lose weight.  

In my case… A lot is emotional baggage that comes along with battling depression. I have been on the other side of ” fat shaming”. For the record… I think that title is dumb. I just think it should be called .. “Some People are pricks”

Like I said before … I have never been the skinny girl.  Growing up in dance … I was told numerous times how I didn’t look like the other girls. I never had the lean long legs, the swan-like neck,  the slender upper body.  I was born a bit shorter, muscular legs, big chested, big hips… You get the idea.  Thought out my childhood.. I watched my father while he was drunk call my mother a fat pig  & treat her like a piece of garbage.  The “fat” comments showered my home … Especially on ” drinking nights”.   My teenage years .. I continued dance & did cheer.  I remember one of the guys at school asked how many total stretch  marks did our cheer squad have. .  At the time….. I weighed  115.  

Being from a unstable home … Full of negativity … It was hard.   I do not think of myself as a victim nor do I want a pity party. I had it way better than some kids did.  However , when I hit 16… That’s when the depression Set in.  Living in a home where you had a father the one moment .. Then you didn’t the next.  It was hard. When my mother passed away … I dove in to depression.  Eating disorders,  thoughts of suicide, bad relationships, self indicted wounds….The only time I truly was safe was when I was at dance. 

 When I was out of high school and moved into my own apartment….It was fine.   I was happy… The weight I did have ..fell off. I was doing well and living life to the fullest. I had an incredible circle of friends that were everything to me.  Everything was going great. I was teaching dance and I was on cloud nine. 

Then … My friends moved in with boyfriends … Some got married… I was alone.  Didn’t have much family that was interested in me or my life.  It was me and my work.  I fell in love around this time… And though I won’t get in to details… It ended badly.  I was hurt, in pain, lost, rejected, sucker punched…and I was completely alone.  Depression came back and I started falling a part. 

I had dealt with lies, deceit, parents separation, parents divorce, violence, name calling, negativity,death and heartbreak in such an early stage of my life… I really didn’t know where to go from there.  

I was depressed, defeated.  No insurance… Couldn’t go to therapy … I barely made enough to support myself.  So I put on weight. When I reached 150 … I was devastated. I would continue to date, have relationships… Most of them ended with them telling me.  ” you are awesome but I found someone else”. At first when you hear this… You accept it.  Then a few months later a friend of a friend tells you that your boy friend had been cheating on you and told everyone you were too big for him and his new girl is skinny and beautiful.  One even went into personal details with his buddies and that shot like wild fire through the friends network… Before social media! Heh.  It’s funny…at the time they were my EVERYTHING…. But I was always the joke in their circle.  Something to poke a stick at when they needed something to entertain them.Yes… It happened… More than once.  It was the most cruelest thing and I’m still emotionally scarred from it today. 

I spent the next two years in hiding… Then came the eating disorders, the negative thoughts , the self inflicted wounds… It was starting all over again. 

In the middle of all this I unexpectedly met someone.  He seemed too good to be true.  Treated me better than anyone had ever treated me.  I was floored.  One thing led to another and then we had moved in together, got engaged , got married…  Life was pretty good.  Then I got pregnant … Things changed.  I won’t go into detail it’s not just my story to tell.  So I will skip a lot.  I will say this… I had preeclampsia… I gained almost 100lbs.   That’s right… It is not a typo.  For someone who battled with weight their whole life…. This was a horrifying.  Depression sat in… Along with some situations that could crush someone’s spirit in to pieces…    It was a nightmare.  Do I regret getting pregnant?   Absolutely not!  My son means the world to me and I have never loved another human being as much as I love him. He is the sweetest, most caring , most understanding and tolerable person I’ve ever known… He is…. Everything.

So… Fast forward a head many years later… I was at a place that I was disrespected and treated like I didn’t matter… Repeatedly.  At work , at home, with friends…. I cracked.

To sum things up… I left my marriage, changed jobs,  refocused my life. 

Though my life is significantly better…I battle depression every day.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard… “You are such a cool girl… But I can’t be with someone your size”.  ” I love talking to you .. You are amazing … But physically you aren’t what I’m looking for”. 

I could have shot back…. I could have been honest as well and said ” you are awesome but you are lazy and probably won’t make a decent living”  ” you are so adorable but your penis is the size of a life saver packet”  ” you are so nice but if you wear that shirt again … I will start to think you’re homeless”…. And so on.  Instead usually I keep pretty quiet.  

Meanwhile…. I watch these men move on to different women who are thinner, prettier…. But most aren’t hard workers, aren’t as considerate, don’t appreciate these men, they drain their bank accounts, treat these guys’ kids like garbage,  don’t have anything in common with the other person… And so on.

So yes… ” fat shaming ” does exist.

 And yes… It makes the situation worse… Your discourage remarks are not encouraging. 

The other day I was shopping and a teenage boy asked me if I “had enough room to go by” . There was at least four feet separating us.   Did it make me want to go to the gym immediately afterwards? NO.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. 

Should people be allowed to say what they want about it?    Sure.  It’s a free country.   Should they take a look at themselves first before judging me because I don’t look like a runway model?   Maybe.  Will they look at themselves or their behavior before they start judging?  Sadly….. The answer is No.  

Do I have a life threatening disease that keeps me from losing  weight?  No… Not that I’m aware of.   Do I have a mental illness that makes me think that I am not worthy of people’s love, affection , respect and attention?  Absolutely.

Will I keep fighting every day to cure myself of this? Absolutely. 

Am I ultra hip , got it going on, have a killer model figure and a beautiful flawless face?   : NOPE.   

Do I feel beautiful inside and out?  Yes 

So as this silly war goes on over social media and the news between the thin and beautiful VS. the chubby , fat or obese…      .   I will be working on ME… Trying to heal ME…. Focusing on ME.  I am not or will not point fingers at others.  I don’t know what they have went through or what they  are going through in this life.  I can’t offer solutions but I can offer any help that any one needs.  I can love and support the people around me through thick and thin. I will continue to surround myself with people who love me for me.  What you see is what you get.

  Everyday is a battle… But I’m worth the fight.  I hope I can find my happy place  and I hope that you find yours as well. 



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