A cloudy day….

I’m sitting in front of a bank … Waiting for it to open. It doesn’t open for another        45 min. but I really have no other choice but to sit and wait.  I’m in between appointments. So… I sit here watching the owl on my dashboard… Waiting.

 Today is a day of doctor appointments and meetings. Not the most fun day. The worst part is fasting for 12 hours before my first doctor’s appointment.  It’s not that I’m hungry and bummed about skipping breakfast… But to miss my morning coffee is pretty much a catastrophe. 

It’s chilly, cloudy….  I love this weather. This week I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. For the past month I’ve built walls around myself to keep anything and everything out and away from me.  I was doing pretty good but these past few days I’ve found myself to be a bit nostalgic…..A sense of longing.  Maybe it’s the weather? This time of year? The music??  

I’ve been pretty ill this week. I’ve gotten little sleep. I opened the windows and tried to snuggle in…. But I was still uneasy. For the past two nights I basically surrounded myself with every pillow in my home, wrapped myself in a fuzzy blanket… It brought a little comfort. Then I hold my own hand and pretend it’s yours. My body relaxes , sinks down in to my bed and I finally fall asleep.  

Halloween is tomorrow and I couldn’t be happier.  Right now I have plans with me , myself, and I.   Friends and family are bugging me to get out and about. I love Halloween… No, you don’t understand…     I LOVE Halloween. I don’t think I have the energy this year.  I would love to just sit ,wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, make popcorn and watch scary movies all night. 

God …. I would do anything to have a cup of coffee right now.  Sadly…. I have a few hours to go before that can happen. I have to stop thinking about it. 

Everyone have a safe and happy Halloween.  Dress up and frolic around.  I miss frolicking around… But that is another story. 

She’s back….

Don’t get me wrong… I’m happy Adele is back. I Love her music.  However… The emotional roller coaster she puts me on is exhausting.  

I can’t even get through the first 20 seconds of “Make You Feel My Love” and I’m a puddle on the floor.  

Now here comes her new stuff and she starts it off with ” Hello”. Seriously?  Is she trying to kill me. Lol

It’s so good though! 

……..

  
Looking at this record spinning warms my heart yet makes me want to cry.

This was left at my door yesterday. No note, no text, no call… It was just sitting there.  It absolutely perfect… Yet I have a feeling of such loss.

How can someone know me so well? Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know myself. 

When you have so much love for someone and you don’t have any outlet to release some of it… You feel like you’re suffocating.  I sit here with all this built up emotion and all I can do to release the pressure is cry.  I can’t touch them, hold them, kiss them, see them, hold their hand… All those things would help. But … There’s nothing … Just silence.

So I will let this record play to replace the silence.  

Crushing….

I’m crushing… And unfortunately… It will go no where. I finally ran into the girl wants boy but boy doesn’t know she exists story.  This could get interesting.

I don’t crush on guys often. Maybe once in a blue moon. But… When I do … It’s hard for me to shake.   
In fact…. I still talk to 95% of my crushes.

Not sure how or why … But there are just guys I’ve let in to my heart, my mind, my world… And they haven’t left yet.  

1. The Football Player- 

2. The Charmer – 

3.The Clubber

4. The Smart Ass

5. The one I will never get

These five crushes are all trouble. LOL 

#5 is an absolute challenge. I usually love a challenge… But this time I know I won’t win this one. I’m completely out of his league. It’s a bummer. ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿ˜•

Saturday night ….ย 

  
So it’s a Saturday night….

After work I came home, watched a little bit of tv ..by myself, made dinner…. for myself, then took a four hour mandatory online class to finalize my divorce. Yes I said four hours.  That’s like four episodes of Grimm I could have been watching… Haha just kidding. Kind of

Watching the video made me realize that I was a survivor of a domestic violence / divorced family/ substance abuse/ abandonment…. That things I had to go through as a child was pretty horrific. I’m so glad my son never had to go through anything like that.  It can scar you for the rest of your life.

Divorce is hard… It doesn’t have to be ugly though.  For me … It definitely was a decision I had to make.   I had to get my dignity and self respect back after it had been crushed for years.  I had zero trust in a person and relationships can’t survive on that.  

Sure… It’s lonely. Very lonely.  I eat meals by myself, sleep by myself , go to the movies by myself… But I’d rather be alone and stand up for my self worth than to be in a relationship that has no value to the other person.  I’d rather stand on my own and try to regain some sort of dignity. 

I work 7 days a week… Not by choice.  But… If I don’t work 7 days a week.. The bills do not get paid.               Then what??  

Yes… I’m exhausted, my body hurts. There are mornings that I have to grip the walls, furniture, door handles… Anything to help assist me to walk.  The pain is excruciating.  

Sometimes…. It is hard not to be bitter…. It is so difficult. There are times I want to yell at the Universe and ask … Why???  Why does he get to move on happily with his new happy family?   I wasn’t the one who broke that vow or that trust.  Why am I being punished and cast out on to the island? That isn’t fair!  After all of that… Don’t I deserve to be with someone who is faithful?  Who won’t treat me as an option?  When… When will I stop feeling this enormous amount of hurt, distrust, pain… When???  

I have to take a deep breath and try to live. Learn how to trust. Learn how to discover my worth. Learn to love again. 

Most of the time l feel like someone has thrown me in the ocean with my arms and legs tied… And I’m fighting to stay alive and not drown. 

But… It’s my son, my aunt, my brother , my friends, my students, my cat, disneyland, Starbucks and music… That help me get out of bed and take another small step to heal. To be the better person. To turn the other cheek. To stand strong and fight… For myself. 

So as I go to bed early on a Saturday night… By myself…  With work lingering over me in the morning….   It’s quiet, I can hear myself breathe, I can hear the neighbors and their friends laughing through the walls,  I hear people driving on the street outside…. My thoughts are loud and clear….

I may be lonely but I am not alone. I may be sad and broken but I’m not unfixable. I am worth more than what I’ve been told or how I’ve been treated.  I will make it out of this… There’s got to be a happy ending coming up.  I will continue to work hard, be courteous and kind. I will be brave and walk alone. Because it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones. 

Will I ever not feel this???

  
I can have time, distance, whatever in between him and I…..

And yet I can’t stop loving him. It’s beautiful yet tragic.  They say someone can leave an imprint on your heart and it will remain forever.  I’ve tried to erase, ignore, replace…. Everything.  So many many many years.  

I will start to move on but then a thought, a movie, a dream, a picture and… And a song. Always the fucking songs!  Will reduce me to a puddle on the floor crying over him. Asking all the questions …. Remembering every conversation.

Some days…. Some nights….  I remember how it felt with his hand in mine, his hands on my face….. My heart will ache and my soul is shaken to the core. 

How can you miss and love someone so much…. Even when they treat you like you’re a nobody. Like you don’t exist. Like I’m  nothing. 
When will it stop hurting? 

Another year older…

  
Another year older & another year wiser …right???

I hope so. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years. Not to trust so much, to detach from toxic energy, to relax and let things go, to not give people or situations my time that take me for granted.

It’s been a year long date-a-thon.  Which has been very boring and predictable. It’s been a bit of a snooze fest.

By the end of this year I will  officially be divorced and my maiden name restored. Which I don’t plan on losing ever again.

I have plans for myself but finding the $$$$ to back those plans is discouraging at times.  I am at a crossroads now professionally and I’m definitely stalled in the middle.

Naps…. I’ve invested time in taking naps a few times a week.  Yes, it sounds like I’m a little old grandma. However, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. 

This year has been better than the past couple years. A definite eye opener or a kick in the ass at times.  However, I keep moving on.  Each step I get a little stronger,  distance myself away from what’s harmful, forgive the hateful hearted, and forget the hurt.  I reach for my goals, try to learn a little more everyday and put myself on a positive path. 

It’s hard when you give your heart to someone time and time again… Only to have them take a hammer to it repeatedly. It’s hard to trust people. It’s hard to feel love again let alone think about giving your heart to someone else. I’m rebuilding and healing everyday … Little by little. Usually I feel wounded and feel as if my heart is vulnerable… Not strong enough to handle another crack. However, lately I feel like it’s been calloused over.  It’s  not empty… It is full of love but definitely protected and out of reach. 

I’m looking forward to another year of growth…. and naps… Definitely naps. ๐Ÿ˜Š