After work I came home, watched a little bit of tv ..by myself, made dinner…. for myself, then took a four hour mandatory online class to finalize my divorce. Yes I said four hours. That’s like four episodes of Grimm I could have been watching… Haha just kidding. Kind of
Watching the video made me realize that I was a survivor of a domestic violence / divorced family/ substance abuse/ abandonment…. That things I had to go through as a child was pretty horrific. I’m so glad my son never had to go through anything like that. It can scar you for the rest of your life.
Divorce is hard… It doesn’t have to be ugly though. For me … It definitely was a decision I had to make. I had to get my dignity and self respect back after it had been crushed for years. I had zero trust in a person and relationships can’t survive on that.
Sure… It’s lonely. Very lonely. I eat meals by myself, sleep by myself , go to the movies by myself… But I’d rather be alone and stand up for my self worth than to be in a relationship that has no value to the other person. I’d rather stand on my own and try to regain some sort of dignity.
I work 7 days a week… Not by choice. But… If I don’t work 7 days a week.. The bills do not get paid. Then what??
Yes… I’m exhausted, my body hurts. There are mornings that I have to grip the walls, furniture, door handles… Anything to help assist me to walk. The pain is excruciating.
Sometimes…. It is hard not to be bitter…. It is so difficult. There are times I want to yell at the Universe and ask … Why??? Why does he get to move on happily with his new happy family? I wasn’t the one who broke that vow or that trust. Why am I being punished and cast out on to the island? That isn’t fair! After all of that… Don’t I deserve to be with someone who is faithful? Who won’t treat me as an option? When… When will I stop feeling this enormous amount of hurt, distrust, pain… When???
I have to take a deep breath and try to live. Learn how to trust. Learn how to discover my worth. Learn to love again.
Most of the time l feel like someone has thrown me in the ocean with my arms and legs tied… And I’m fighting to stay alive and not drown.
But… It’s my son, my aunt, my brother , my friends, my students, my cat, disneyland, Starbucks and music… That help me get out of bed and take another small step to heal. To be the better person. To turn the other cheek. To stand strong and fight… For myself.
So as I go to bed early on a Saturday night… By myself… With work lingering over me in the morning…. It’s quiet, I can hear myself breathe, I can hear the neighbors and their friends laughing through the walls, I hear people driving on the street outside…. My thoughts are loud and clear….
I may be lonely but I am not alone. I may be sad and broken but I’m not unfixable. I am worth more than what I’ve been told or how I’ve been treated. I will make it out of this… There’s got to be a happy ending coming up. I will continue to work hard, be courteous and kind. I will be brave and walk alone. Because it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.