Nightmares, reality, relief & tears.

Yesterday was tough. I was walking on air from all the great things going on surrounding my work.  Yet… There was this constant thought in my head that looped over and over all day.  I don’t understand how I can build walls to keep myself safe… Yet the same thought can figure out how to get in?   It nestled in and I smiled at first … Reliving happy moments, remembering how in love I was, remembering words, feelings, thoughts, a touch… It’s amazing how fast they can flood in.  I let them visit then I turn quickly away from them. Finding something to distract, something noisy to drown out the sounds, anything else to make things fade in to the background.  I did just that… And went about my business.   

Last night …. I had the strangest dreams. They didn’t make sense yet they all tied in with one another.  I woke up two times crying and one time yelling.  In every dream … I was crying and yelling for the same person. After the last dream .. Around 5:30am .. I decided to just stay up.  But… I’ve been a mess ever since. My head is lost today … My soul is saddened … And my heart hurts. Today is not kind. 

I think I’ve relived every moment 100 times  this morning.  It’s so hard to love  someone so much.. And they just give up on you. You’re a ghost to them. You mean nothing… You are nothing to them.  I guess that’s a scar that I’ll take to the grave. I laugh about it sometimes… I think to myself … Am I going to be 90 years old , sitting in my nursing home, playing The Cure and crying for this heartbreak?  It’s kind of funny when I try to visualize it.  Are the caretakers going to sit on the edge of my bed and listen to me tell old love stories while playing them through a musical journey?  

Don’t get me wrong…. these ” rough” days are starting to come fewer and farther between.  It’s not an every day occurrence.  But… On quiet mornings like today, There isn’t any noise to distract. My mind should be focused on the tasks at hand. The dreams last night were too real, too powerful, too much… I’m not sure if I can bounce back today.  

It’s like being on the other side of mirrored glass and watching , waiting , yelling… Trying to reach someone on the other side. But they can’t see or hear you. They have no idea that you are even there. So they walk away and move on with their day. 

I’m sad…I have so many questions that will be left unanswered. A void that I may never fully fill.  A scar that I will carry on my heart for the rest of my days. 

It gets easier to breathe but it’s there… A memory Waiting to seep in and take over.  It’s a fucking tricky bastard that just likes to mess with me and poke me with a stick at times. You can’t help but to feel used, abandoned, neglected, confused, heartbroken… 

So today… I cry. I mourn for the loss and what feels like the death of my heart. It’s one day… Just got to ride it out. 

I listen to this song. Not because I want someone to feel this way for me.. It’s because I know this feeling. I’ve been through this.. Sometimes I still feel this way. Then my friends usually give me a wake up slap and bring me back to reality. But I know this song… I know how this feels… And I believe this version tells it like it truly is 

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