I’m running on 4 hours of sleep.
I stayed up most of the night in deep thought. Replaying words in my head that were put on me.
At first … I was fine. Then, in the wee small hours of the morning, I was not. I did blog about it.. Then erased it. At 1am I wrote a blog about it… Erased it. This morning ,after 4 hours of sleep, I’m trying again.
There are no words to describe how I feel this morning besides tired & just plain.. sad? Hurt? Frustrated? Dumb? I don’t know.
I feel like a 12 yr. old girl crying because someone doesn’t want to be friends with her.
I mean… My words were ” I value your friendship” , “it means a lot to me” , ” I am grateful you are on this planet”… And I got back.. ” sorry… I can’t really do the adult thing”.
It doesn’t feel too great.. now that I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and telling myself … You don’t mean diddly squat. Hmm… Yeah, that kinda sucks.
This song represents my night…
So… This morning I get up….I go ahead with my day.
Question: When will I ever be good enough? I’m not even good enough to be friends?
Answer: Never. I will never be good enough or do right by them… It’s never enough.
Question: Why would I devalue myself any further? If after ALL this time… I am still labeled as not good enough. Basically… I’m nothing. Why keep devaluing my worth?
Answer: I don’t know… But I know that I will never let this wall down again.
Have you ever seen the movie X-Men? When the piece of goo is on the beach and the little boy is poking it with a stick? I’m that goo.
Why do I want to be goo?
This is where my head is at after a awesome 4 hours of sleep ( note the sarcasm)
And … Here is my song this morning…