What’s going on…

It’s been a crazy busy week here!

I’m still pushing out orders for my business.  My dancers are competing this Friday & Saturday night.  The schedule is insane. Long days and long drives back and forth.  Looking at the schedule I should get about 4 hours of sleep each night.. I wish I were kidding. If I had the cash I would have gotten a hotel room there… But I didn’t …. So it’s back and forth to Glendale I go. I should be a waste of space by Sunday evening.  

Tonight is the night that I start the “dads” rehearsals at the studio.  This part of the year is always my fave!  Nine weeks of these guys…. They are so funny! 

Oops…. I just dozed off typing this. I’m a bit sleep deprived as of lately.  A coffee run is needed.  Off I go! 

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A boost….

Hey March, I’m over you   Let’s break up! 

Pretty much one of the roughest months I’ve faced in awhile. I’m not complaining … I’m learning.  I know that one day all these lessons and tests will bring something great.  I’m patiently waiting but in the meantime… I’m making it happen myself. 

Today I’m a little overwhelmed, a little sad,  In need of a pick me up.  Since a field of daisies is out of the question… Here’s the song I play when I need to remind myself that I can get through things.

My favorite line of this song is…

“These things happen for a reason. You’ve got the world in your hands. Don’t cry… just realize you burn bright when you aim for the sun” 

If you don’t listen to Audra Mae … I just fee sorry for you.  One of the BEST live performances .. EVER. 😊

Is Warped Tour trying to kill me??

I said I would NEVER … NEVER EVER…. do Warped Tour again. 

But this line up! 

It’s like they are trying to bait me in…

Reel Big Fish. Yellowcard, New Found Glory, Less Than Jake…… Wtf?? No seriously Warped … WTF?????

And… It’s inScottsdale.  Not Mesa.  If you do not live in Arizona let me break it down for you.   Mesa… Can’t organize a one car parade.  So Scottsdale will most likely be better.  

Or… Do I go to Warped in San Diego?? 

Hmmmmm… That is a thought!

Is it a good Friday?

I woke up this morning with my body beat up and sore.  This week’s work outs were brutal.  I’ve been burying my pain with each work out.  My head …starting to come back from a place of hurt.  My heart… Is hidden , shut down and on the mend.  My soul seems a little displaced but slowly coming back to me.   

It’s funny how strong you think you are and with one voice, one glance, one touch, one kiss… You are back crying on the floor.  Pieces of you broken and displaced. It happens so fast. You think you have your shit together but the yearning for that person is just to much to take.  There’s a line in an Ingrid Michealson song that perfectly describes what I’ve experience for the past 20 years..                                                                    ” my love’s too big for you my love”           That lyric is from her song  “Sort Of”

By now,  Those of you who read my blogs…  You may be starting to think.  “What’s happening?  You weren’t going to engage with the opposite sex for a year”

True. It was almost 6 months.  I thought I had it held down.  I have turn down dates. I have ignored a very gorgeous man’s attempts to flirt with me on a weekly basis.  I really thought.. I can do this.  But then…. That one… The only one …person that would make it irresistible to ignore stepped in. I knew I was in trouble. My head thought…. I got this.  I thought… Even if I let down my guard and have a human moment… He won’t get past the wall I built around my heart.  

As soon as I pulled around the corner …      I felt my wall crack.  When his eyes looked in to mine.. It cracked again.  When he pulled me closer…. A piece broke away.   When he kissed me….that’s all it took…. Piece by piece it came tumbling down.  As I laid next to him…my mind raced…in my head I quickly try to rebuild my wall in a panic.  Because I knew… In  4 minutes he would reject me and want me gone.  Rebuild rebuild rebuild… Even if it’s fake front… At least I’ll be semi- protected.   

As I drove home… I was so confused.  My heart was crying out because it didn’t want to let go … Happy it had what it wanted. In my head… So incredibly anxious and sad. Because I knew … In 24 hours I would be launched in the landfill. It’s the worse feeling … pieces of you being disbursed one by one.  I left part of my soul laying on his bed.  I left part of my heart by his front door. I lost a piece of my mind on the drive home. Pieces of me… Scattered within a few miles.  

They are starting to make their way back… It knows the drill… They’ve been there enough times to know how to heal from this.  This time they came back differently.   

Where is my head, my heart , my soul at now?   Embedded in this song…. 

Some days…

There are days when I can keep it out of my mind… Shut it out.

Today was good… Tonight is NOT.

This song… This pretty much sums up things.  It’s like a recording on repeat. 

  

Very true…

Deep breath… Put emotions in check…. Realize I am internalizing dug up pain that brought to light.  

Everyone is fighting a struggle. Everyone.

Deep breath again…. Realize my worth. Value myself.  Be understanding of other’s struggles. But … Don’t be walked on.  

My mind quickly races back to pain, abandonment, humiliation, worthlessness…. Deep breath. Let it melt away… And release it from my mind. 

I am good enough.  I’ve done enough.  I sacrificed enough. I value my worth. 

  

That moment when you just… 

I’m so tired.

I’m in the moment of … Hurt? Disappointed?  Confused?  Bummed?  

I don’t know? 

That moment when you just try to keep a level head… And you just can’t see past what’s in front of you.  Fixating on a word … A sentence…   Why?? 

I am sad.   Its the feeing of Christmas morning, a birthday party, a good laugh with the one you care about, rainbows, lollipops and ponies…. In your grasps for a few fantastic hours and then taken out of your hands to be hidden away.   To feel that kind of happiness for even one minute should be comforting…. And it was… But then I’m left with the feeling of never having that again.  A glimpse at what makes me happy… A little peek… Then I’m in the dark again.

When you want someone or something so badly… Maybe it’s their time, their conversation, to hear them laugh, to hold them, to feel them close… It’s truly happiness. Your heart is so happy. Right now… Not going to lie.. I feel sad. 

I don’t understand… Why only peeks of happiness. Why can that feeing just stay for a little longer?? It’s like holding on to happiness and watching it turn into dust and slip through your fingers. 

A million thoughts flood my brain… It’s so hard to decipher which ones are accurate or just doubt, fear , envy…

For a moment … You think maybe?  Maybe this time… It will be different?  Maybe this time… I will be worth something?   Maybe this time…..I won’t be turned away.  

My heart hurts. I just want to be good enough. For Fuck’s sake… Just once …    can I be good enough???  

I’m so sad.  

Sleepless night…

I’m running on 4 hours of sleep.

I stayed up most of the night in deep thought. Replaying words in my head that were put on me. 

At first … I was fine.  Then, in the wee small hours of the morning,  I was not. I did blog about it.. Then erased it. At 1am I wrote a blog about it… Erased it.  This morning ,after 4 hours of sleep, I’m trying again.  

There are no words to describe how I feel this morning besides tired & just plain.. sad?  Hurt? Frustrated?  Dumb?  I don’t know. 

I feel like a 12 yr. old girl crying because someone doesn’t want to be friends with her.  

I mean… My words were ” I value your friendship” , “it means a lot to me” , ” I am grateful you are on this planet”… And I got back.. ” sorry… I can’t really do the adult thing”.   

It doesn’t feel too great.. now that I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and telling myself …  You don’t mean diddly squat. Hmm… Yeah, that kinda sucks. 

This song represents my night…

So… This morning I get up….I go ahead with my day. 

Question:  When will I ever be good enough?   I’m not even good enough to be friends?  

Answer: Never. I will never be good enough or do right by them… It’s never enough.  

Question: Why would I devalue myself any further?  If after  ALL this time… I am still labeled as not good enough. Basically… I’m nothing. Why keep devaluing my worth? 

Answer:  I don’t know… But I know that I will never let this wall down again. 

Have you ever seen the movie X-Men?   When the piece of goo is on the beach and the little boy is poking it with a stick?  I’m that goo. 

Why do I want to be goo?    

I don’t.

This is where my head is at after a awesome 4 hours of sleep ( note the sarcasm) 

  
And … Here is my song this morning…