Down time = Busy Mind

It’s amazing what your mind does when you have nothing to do, nowhere to go… Just sitting back &  relaxing. The only sounds I hear are my ceiling fan and the traffic noise from the street. 

Every little thing crossing my mind.

Orthodontist appointments, paying bills, redecorating,  coffee,  website designs, what concerts to see,  the lottery, coffee,  my neighbor and his need to blast Air Supply at 8am. 

Things that just scratch the surface.

Then you don’t hear the ceiling fan or the traffic. The noise goes away.  I’m left thinking … Why? When? Where? What? 

So many emotions.  I smile one minute thinking back at great memories.  The California road trips with friends.  The Works on a Saturday night. To my son’s first hair cut. The joke he told in the car yesterday.  

Then I cry.  My son is growing up so fast.  Remembering my mother do her hair and make up for the day.  Watching her fighting for her life in a hospital bed, unable to speak or open her eyes but watching tears roll down her cheeks .  Remembering moments that I was on cloud 9 and so incredibly smitten with happiness , only to be thrown out like yesterday’s garbage. Feeling your heart shatter in a million pieces..actually feel it break apart. 

To breathe easy … Knowing I stood up for myself and broke free from a negative living environment. I saved myself.  Knowing that no matter what life has tried throwing at me .. And it has tried to destroy me piece by piece…  I didn’t give up.  I fought and clawed my way back to the surface.  

I’m tired… Working 7 days a week is tough.  These past few days off really makes me realize how incredibly exhausted I am.  

I’m afraid… That I will be alone and no one will remember that I’m here. That I will never put my heart back together again or actually let anyone in again.  It’s scares me. 

Proud… I’m proud of my son and what a fantastic kid he is.  He amazes me everyday.  I’m proud of myself. Working 7 days a week, juggling different schedules and launching a new business.  I feel very confident about my future. 

Relieved… That my friend has made it through two major surgeries and is a bad ass.  Nothing keeps her down.  I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s a fighter. 

Confused… Why does he want my attention constantly and flirt with me. Yet… He has a girlfriend (Even though I think she’s a vile excuse for a human…not nice)  Why does he stand so close to me?  Why does he always try to hug me?  Why does he text me late at night?  Why does he go out of his way to make me laugh?   Ugh … Why?????   It’s so frustrating.

I have all these thoughts racing through my head. They probably prescribe something for this right?  To quiet a busy brain? 

I am happy. I am content.  

But it’s oh so quiet… And I smell something … Burning???? 

  Yikes!  Gotta go check it out. 

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