Sleepless night…

I’m running on 4 hours of sleep.

I stayed up most of the night in deep thought. Replaying words in my head that were put on me. 

At first … I was fine.  Then, in the wee small hours of the morning,  I was not. I did blog about it.. Then erased it. At 1am I wrote a blog about it… Erased it.  This morning ,after 4 hours of sleep, I’m trying again.  

There are no words to describe how I feel this morning besides tired & just plain.. sad?  Hurt? Frustrated?  Dumb?  I don’t know. 

I feel like a 12 yr. old girl crying because someone doesn’t want to be friends with her.  

I mean… My words were ” I value your friendship” , “it means a lot to me” , ” I am grateful you are on this planet”… And I got back.. ” sorry… I can’t really do the adult thing”.   

It doesn’t feel too great.. now that I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and telling myself …  You don’t mean diddly squat. Hmm… Yeah, that kinda sucks. 

This song represents my night…

So… This morning I get up….I go ahead with my day. 

Question:  When will I ever be good enough?   I’m not even good enough to be friends?  

Answer: Never. I will never be good enough or do right by them… It’s never enough.  

Question: Why would I devalue myself any further?  If after  ALL this time… I am still labeled as not good enough. Basically… I’m nothing. Why keep devaluing my worth? 

Answer:  I don’t know… But I know that I will never let this wall down again. 

Have you ever seen the movie X-Men?   When the piece of goo is on the beach and the little boy is poking it with a stick?  I’m that goo. 

Why do I want to be goo?    

I don’t.

This is where my head is at after a awesome 4 hours of sleep ( note the sarcasm) 

  
And … Here is my song this morning…

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