I’m so tired.
I’m in the moment of … Hurt? Disappointed? Confused? Bummed?
I don’t know?
That moment when you just try to keep a level head… And you just can’t see past what’s in front of you. Fixating on a word … A sentence… Why??
I am sad. Its the feeing of Christmas morning, a birthday party, a good laugh with the one you care about, rainbows, lollipops and ponies…. In your grasps for a few fantastic hours and then taken out of your hands to be hidden away. To feel that kind of happiness for even one minute should be comforting…. And it was… But then I’m left with the feeling of never having that again. A glimpse at what makes me happy… A little peek… Then I’m in the dark again.
When you want someone or something so badly… Maybe it’s their time, their conversation, to hear them laugh, to hold them, to feel them close… It’s truly happiness. Your heart is so happy. Right now… Not going to lie.. I feel sad.
I don’t understand… Why only peeks of happiness. Why can that feeing just stay for a little longer?? It’s like holding on to happiness and watching it turn into dust and slip through your fingers.
A million thoughts flood my brain… It’s so hard to decipher which ones are accurate or just doubt, fear , envy…
For a moment … You think maybe? Maybe this time… It will be different? Maybe this time… I will be worth something? Maybe this time…..I won’t be turned away.
My heart hurts. I just want to be good enough. For Fuck’s sake… Just once … can I be good enough???
I’m so sad.