I woke up this morning with my body beat up and sore. This week’s work outs were brutal. I’ve been burying my pain with each work out. My head …starting to come back from a place of hurt. My heart… Is hidden , shut down and on the mend. My soul seems a little displaced but slowly coming back to me.
It’s funny how strong you think you are and with one voice, one glance, one touch, one kiss… You are back crying on the floor. Pieces of you broken and displaced. It happens so fast. You think you have your shit together but the yearning for that person is just to much to take. There’s a line in an Ingrid Michealson song that perfectly describes what I’ve experience for the past 20 years.. ” my love’s too big for you my love” That lyric is from her song “Sort Of”
By now, Those of you who read my blogs… You may be starting to think. “What’s happening? You weren’t going to engage with the opposite sex for a year”
True. It was almost 6 months. I thought I had it held down. I have turn down dates. I have ignored a very gorgeous man’s attempts to flirt with me on a weekly basis. I really thought.. I can do this. But then…. That one… The only one …person that would make it irresistible to ignore stepped in. I knew I was in trouble. My head thought…. I got this. I thought… Even if I let down my guard and have a human moment… He won’t get past the wall I built around my heart.
As soon as I pulled around the corner … I felt my wall crack. When his eyes looked in to mine.. It cracked again. When he pulled me closer…. A piece broke away. When he kissed me….that’s all it took…. Piece by piece it came tumbling down. As I laid next to him…my mind raced…in my head I quickly try to rebuild my wall in a panic. Because I knew… In 4 minutes he would reject me and want me gone. Rebuild rebuild rebuild… Even if it’s fake front… At least I’ll be semi- protected.
As I drove home… I was so confused. My heart was crying out because it didn’t want to let go … Happy it had what it wanted. In my head… So incredibly anxious and sad. Because I knew … In 24 hours I would be launched in the landfill. It’s the worse feeling … pieces of you being disbursed one by one. I left part of my soul laying on his bed. I left part of my heart by his front door. I lost a piece of my mind on the drive home. Pieces of me… Scattered within a few miles.
They are starting to make their way back… It knows the drill… They’ve been there enough times to know how to heal from this. This time they came back differently.
Where is my head, my heart , my soul at now? Embedded in this song….