Dear Beyonce… Thank you!

Beyonce’s ” Lemonade” visual album is pretty much the most accurate telling of a woman who has to go through the emotions of love, jealousy, depression, betrayal, heartbreak, revenge, loss, regret, independence, hate, grief, redemption, rebirth, forgiveness and self worth.  I watched the whole thing as if someone jumped in to my brain and splattered bits & pieces of it all over the screen.  

If Beyonce had to go through all this…. Maybe I’ll be ok too?  She speaks for hundreds of thousands of women who have gone through these emotions. Men shut down and close off while women get drowned by their own thoughts desperately try to cling to life &  love to stay a float.  

I barely blinked… I barely took a breath.

It threw me deep in thought.  The feeling of being cursed. The feeling of trying to get through to someone with your love for them.   I hear you Beyonce… I hear you.  

The song Sandcastles… That pretty much spoke everything I have ever wanted to say. It seriously brought me to my knees. 

I walked  away with a bit more confidence and a bit more self worth… Yes I’m serious.  

For the past week I’ve been pretty quiet here.  I’ve suffered there anxiety attacks. Stayed in bed for 24 hours crying.  Bruised my hands and cut my fingers from smashing frames and burning pictures and tokens I’ve kept from those that I loved but three me away. 

It’s been hell.  

Now …. A breath of fresh air has awaken me. A surge has started.  A spark that was taken away has ignited.  

Have I been reborn?  I’m not sure?  

But … I feel a presence that has been long lost… That girl I used to be… Clawing her way to the surface.  Such a fighter. Such strength.  She’s coming to rescue me. I can feel it.. And I accept her with open arms. 

The past… I don’t know?  I’ve started burning those pages. Holding on to a few left… Should I burn them and toss them like I’ve been tossed away?  Or should I forgive?  Have I truly ever forgiven?  I thought so… But now I’m not sure.  Forgiveness… Then what Forget?  I guess that is the million dollar question.  Do I want to forget?  How do you forgive someone who helped bring you in to the world?  How do you forgive someone who decided to keep their fading health a secret from you? How do you forgive a family that turned their back on you while you stood alone as a child.. Lost?  How do you forgive the love of your life for killing you over and over again?  

I don’t know. 

These are the answers I need to find though… And  I feel a surge of power coming on that will lead me to it. 

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๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

Word can not express how sad I am to hear Prince has passed.

Such a talent!  His music was a part of my life. From singing in my room , to belting out purple rain on road trips, choreographing to his tunes and all the memories that go with certain songs… It is sad to see him leave us.  

Rest in Peace Prince. May you live forever through your music and hope you put on one hell of a show up there.   ๐Ÿ’œ

Depression is an asshole… But(t) don’t let it define you.

Warning … This is lengthy.. Scroll ahead of you want.. No worries. Lol
Anyone that knows me knows that I’ve battled depression for a very long time… Almost 30 years. Though I never talk about it or bring it up in casual conversation… Those that are close to me know me and my battles. I’ve always been extremely ashamed of it and mask it any way I possibly can. It comes in waves and isn’t very frequent but when it does bubble up… It’s very difficult.  
Lately… I’ve seen more people come forward and have the courage to talk about it. It’s been refreshing to hear people talk about it on a social platform or have casual conversations about how they deal with it and so on. It’s hard when facing depression/anxiety when people tell you ” get over it”, “stop being sensitive…. be grateful”, ” don’t talk about your feelings and keep it to yourself”.    

1. It is very difficult to ” get over” something that feels like it has you in a choke hold. I know I have to ” get over it”. I do try…. Trust me … I don’t want to feel miserable. However, I just can’t snap my fingers and make it go away. But I can try… The process may be slow. It may creep back… But I do try.

2. I am very grateful for the people and opportunities in my life. However, you do not understand… With depression … You feel like you are unworthy of what you are grateful for and it sometimes it is a struggle. There are times I feel absolutely worthless and undeserving. Once again I TRY … To do the best I can. I am very grateful for what I have. 

3. As far as … ” don’t talk about your feelings & keep them to yourself”. That would be great … But when you wake up by yourself, eat meals by yourself, go to movies by yourself and so on… You realize you are very alone and ” to yourself” is just a trigger for depression to set in. I understand if someone doesn’t care or doesn’t want to take part in that conversation. I get it… I don’t want to either! Haha 

My point in bringing all this up is this… Everyone fights their own battles. Some handle things differently. But… If you are suffering from depression/anxiety… Please know that you are not alone. People do understand what you’re going through. You deserve to be happy. You are not worthless or a waste of space. All of us are special, unique, and talented in our own ways. If you want to mask your pain to strangers … I get it. But don’t mask your pain to those who are close to you. There are people that will embrace you and understand you no matter what you’re going through. It’s ok to cry or feel overwhelmed …. As long as you can come back a little stronger than yesterday. If you feel like you can’t… Ask someone to help you up. 
There is a lot of hate, animosity, jealousy, discrimination, and snark in this world. No doubt. But… There is also love, understanding , compassion, kindness, forgiveness and strength out there too.  

I hope that if any of you ever meet that moment when you feel that you can’t stand tall… Please ask me for a hand to help you up.  
Much love to you all. ๐Ÿ’–

What does heartbreak look like?

Nothing describes how I feel…( Which feels like a lifetime)… Than this song.

I can barely form the words to write…  It is exactly how I feel and how I’ve felt since being in my early 20’s sitting on my bedroom floor.. Lights out… Candles lit… And feeling this gut wrenching heartbreak.  

20 years later… I’m still that girl on the floor feeling the same way.  No matter how I try to replace the feeling or with who I try to replace the feeling with… It still goes back to this song and how I have felt for so so long.  

My heart hurts… And no matter what I do or try to feel… It still hurts. 

The long running joke…

It happens.. Someone tells a joke or talks about some joke they heard..

You’ve heard it before but you humor them. It’s not as funny the first time you hear it.  But what happens after the fourth time?  Or when your crazy uncle tells the same joke for the past 5 years at your family gathering?

What if the joke is more about you?  Someone constantly making you out as the butt of the joke…. Like an open wound that isn’t allowed to heal yet isn’t allowed not to bleed.   Confusing right?

You would think a two decade joke would lose its steam or fall flat after awhile…  

So when do you tell the jokester… That’s enough!! I’ve heard this fucking joke before and it’s getting fucking old!!! 

Today… Today is the day… I will no longer be supplying you material for your punchline. Good luck to the next victim…. They are gonna need it.

Hello Monday…

It’s absolutely gorgeous out.  

I’m trying to ignore the annoying chicks in front of me at Starbucks. Loud attention seekers always bug me…. Go back to my happy place…. Breathe…. Oh they are so annoying. Why are the yelling and bellowing?  It’s 8am!!  They must be doing the housewife crack.

Anywho…. Let me sidestep these basic bitches and move on to the patio. 

Ahhhh…. Better.  It’s 62 degrees outside and I am enjoying this weather while it last. In Arizonaโ€ฆ 60 degree weather in April is a blessing.

It’s a new weekโ€ฆ And I’m walking into this one with a better attitude.  The last two weeks have been rough.  Sadness, anxiety, regret, stress, and there was a death in my circle of friends. This weekโ€ฆ I am trying to move forward and Forget a little…no forgiving …. Not at this point. Baby steps to that.  No forgiving right now. 

Ugh…. I can hear those women cackling inside.  How can that be?  They are like a gaggle of geese. How can such a loud noise come out of only two people?  Breathe…. Take a sip of coffee…. Return to a peaceful moment…. Ok.

So I’m sitting here…clearing my mind and trying to figure out what song is like to choose today.  

I feel like I’m resetting once again. This time… I think it’s going to be a hard reset.  Instead of storing … I’m going to be deleting.   No looking back. Only looking forward.  So … I think I’ll go with this tune by Frank Turner today. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Hope you all have a beautiful day!  

Five more hours…

Five more hours and I will have the weekend off.  It’s a sigh of relief … A breath of fresh air. 

  
It’s a beautiful day.  Hopefully it won’t rain tomorrow morning.   Tempe Art Festival… Company Party…. Possibly a movie… 

I have something to look forward to ๐Ÿ˜Š