Dear Beyonce… Thank you!

Beyonce’s ” Lemonade” visual album is pretty much the most accurate telling of a woman who has to go through the emotions of love, jealousy, depression, betrayal, heartbreak, revenge, loss, regret, independence, hate, grief, redemption, rebirth, forgiveness and self worth.  I watched the whole thing as if someone jumped in to my brain and splattered bits & pieces of it all over the screen.  

If Beyonce had to go through all this…. Maybe I’ll be ok too?  She speaks for hundreds of thousands of women who have gone through these emotions. Men shut down and close off while women get drowned by their own thoughts desperately try to cling to life &  love to stay a float.  

I barely blinked… I barely took a breath.

It threw me deep in thought.  The feeling of being cursed. The feeling of trying to get through to someone with your love for them.   I hear you Beyonce… I hear you.  

The song Sandcastles… That pretty much spoke everything I have ever wanted to say. It seriously brought me to my knees. 

I walked  away with a bit more confidence and a bit more self worth… Yes I’m serious.  

For the past week I’ve been pretty quiet here.  I’ve suffered there anxiety attacks. Stayed in bed for 24 hours crying.  Bruised my hands and cut my fingers from smashing frames and burning pictures and tokens I’ve kept from those that I loved but three me away. 

It’s been hell.  

Now …. A breath of fresh air has awaken me. A surge has started.  A spark that was taken away has ignited.  

Have I been reborn?  I’m not sure?  

But … I feel a presence that has been long lost… That girl I used to be… Clawing her way to the surface.  Such a fighter. Such strength.  She’s coming to rescue me. I can feel it.. And I accept her with open arms. 

The past… I don’t know?  I’ve started burning those pages. Holding on to a few left… Should I burn them and toss them like I’ve been tossed away?  Or should I forgive?  Have I truly ever forgiven?  I thought so… But now I’m not sure.  Forgiveness… Then what Forget?  I guess that is the million dollar question.  Do I want to forget?  How do you forgive someone who helped bring you in to the world?  How do you forgive someone who decided to keep their fading health a secret from you? How do you forgive a family that turned their back on you while you stood alone as a child.. Lost?  How do you forgive the love of your life for killing you over and over again?  

I don’t know. 

These are the answers I need to find though… And  I feel a surge of power coming on that will lead me to it. 

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