My life at this moment reminds me of being a teenager …. Going through my closets chucking out childish toys.
I use to cling to some of them … Desperately wanting to hang on to that. “security blanket” feeling… It was familiar, I loved it, it felt like home.
Then you get older and you start to analyze it. What purpose does it bring for you to hold on to it? If you are the only one breathing life in to it.. Keeping it around… What joy does it bring you?
I had no problem throwing out wedding pictures, champagne glasses, family photos, a ring… Didn’t blink an eye. Why would I want a token of that memory. That false life? The constant reminder of how worthless someone made you feel? The memory of lies staring you in the face.
So if I can throw away those things…
Why can’t I throw away this napkin with his writing on it? This movie ticket from about 20 years ago? This gift card with his initials? Why? Once again… A constant reminders of loss, pain, heart break.
I burned most of the things … But these three things still sit and stare at me. They whisper ” you were nothing to him”, ” you were used” , ” you were worthless to him”.
I am not worthless……
I don’t need that in my life. I don’t need someone in my life or in my mind that treats me like garbage. A side thought. An option. A pawn in a game. A toy that is taken from the shelf at his convenience. A consolation prize. Fuck that!
I will burn this too… And torch that fucking ghost once and for all.
I curl in a ball on the ground as you continue to kick me. I’m reaching out to you begging you to stop… Wanting so much for you to stop fighting me and tearing me down. One destroying kick after the next. You pull me close, whispering lies as you kiss me, only to grab me by the throat and choke the life out of me when you take it all back. Fuck you. Fuck your dirty mind games. Fuck your need to hurt me. Fuck your manipulative ways to break me down just so you can laugh at my destruction.
Your mental terrorism and torture will be disintegrated with these items , these tokens, these memories that were cloaked in lies. Let it burn.
I don’t wish evil on you. I just wish you away. Because you will never… Never…. Be let inside my heart, my head ,or myself again.
I will never whisper, cry, yell or speak your name… Again.
You do not have control of me. You do not have a hold of me. You will have nothing of mine.
Most People are evil and selfish creatures. Men… Prey on the weak. This hunting ground is closed. So fuck off and keep walking.