After a very hectic and emotional 2 weeks
I finally have a three day weekend… I couldn’t be happier!
This past month has been nothing but emotional break throughs, discovering self love, cutting out toxic energy from my life, sticking up for myself and rebuilding myself from the psychological damage that has been keeping me hostage forever. Plus… A shit load of work. Regional competition, photo shoot, deadlines, scheduling, two shows coming up, an audition , rehearsals and prepping for nationals… I’M EXHAUSTED
I planned a very low key weekend.
Going to the movies, a baseball game, Angie TriBeCa on Hulu, and sleep … Much needed sleep.
This morning I had some errands to run. It’s always those moments when after your mind is so busy and it has this moment of stillness… Something always finds a way to trigger a thought, a memory, a feeling buried.
I had to make a long drive to make some deliveries and .. OF COURSE…. a song plays from my playlist. I didn’t even remember having it on there. It started and I had to take a deep breath as the lyrics broke through my defense wall and rooted themselves in to my soul.
Lyrics… These lyrics… It’s my thoughts , memories… Ripped from my soul and wrote in to a song.
Why? Is always the question that pops in my mind at times like this. Why? It is a question that will NEVER be answered. If it was answered …I’m sure it would lead to another “Why”.
When you are emotionally tortured for a long period of time… You have to rebuild yourself piece by piece very carefully.
Usually a song like this would have destroyed every piece I built. Today… It knocked down one or two pieces. I took a deep breath and told myself…..
This isn’t worth it. I am worth more. I know how to feel & accept love. It isn’t worth worrying about WHY. I could bend over backwards to try to be something for someone… They could kill my spirit, hold my heart hostage at gun point and torture my mind time after time again… Leave me for dead. As I lay there bleeding … They would just wipe their shoes off on my chest and bring another girl to my funeral.
I have survived time after time again.
Loss, heartbreak, betrayal, abuse,
I survived it all.
I no longer weep for losses. I smile for my victories. That I conquered these tragedies, these tormentors, these liars… I stand today victorious. No one… Will ever make me feel “less than” ever again.