Lately I’ve been wondering…
Could I be going through a mid-life crisis or is there just A shift in my energy? Lately… there are things that I really want and I am very impatient to get them.
1. I want to get my nose pierced.
2. I want to change my hair the way I wanted… Not what others find acceptable.. What I truly want. ( which I actually have an appointment Friday ). Stripping the color out of my hair and doing a dark brown with lavender highlights.
3. I want to get a tattoo on my ankle
4. I want to move. I want a little brick house with wood floors and an old school bathtub.
These past couple days I’ve realized that I need some therapy. I honestly believe I have PTSD from my past. It overwhelms me. It has weakened my self worth and confidence. I feel like I’m fighting a battle everyday and I do not trust people in general. People that I have trusted have literally destroyed my heart, soul, mind…
Destroyed is a harsh word. Because I’m alive… I’m here… I survived..
I guess a better way to put it is… People have toyed with me and tortured me.
Wanting someone to run wild with is a thought. It does pop in to my head from time to time. I wasn’t dating to find someone … I was dating to go out. Get a good meal, good coffee, ok(ish) conversation… But what if I could find a person that could set my soul on fire? It has happened once… It could happen again right? Right? But even if I did… Could I trust them? Honestly.. I don’t know. I remember feeling so beat down & ready to give up… Then one kiss set my soul on fire and I was back in that place where the world couldn’t touch me. I was soaring so high up in the air that I was safe. Then quickly it crashed leaving me in pieces. Can I trust ANYONE again? There is such much fear, anger, resentment built up from abuse, torture, being mentally fucked with. I’m just not sure if I could trust again.
I want to be able to write letters like Allie and Noah wrote each other. Honestly… Nothing would please me more. Call me weird or old fashion…. But that’s what I think about. I thought I knew what love was… I think I was incredibly wrong. I’m not sure if I’ve ever in my life gotten any sort of love in my direction that wasn’t a lie or a trick. But to feel safe in someone’s arms.. I’m pretty sure that would be the best feeing in the world. I wouldn’t know.
My whole life had been this constant battle of surviving… Fight or flight. I usually fight. But I’m exhausted. So I surrender. I’ve made peace with being me and I just don’t give a fuck anymore. You don’t like me? Great. I’m not good enough for you? Fine. You think i am an idiot? Ok. You want to act like I don’t exist or that you don’t give a shit? Awesome.
I just don’t care. I’m done fighting. I’m done trying to be what other people need me to be for them. I give up.
So… Shoukd I move ahead with my “wants” ? Or is it a mid life crisis thing that I have to get over? Is it me going in to ” flight ” mode?
I wish I had the answer.