Mid life crisis or just a shift in energy?

Lately I’ve been wondering…

Could I be going through a mid-life crisis or is there just A shift in my energy? Lately… there are things that I really want and I am very impatient to get them.

1. I want to get my nose pierced.

2. I want to change my hair the way I wanted… Not what others find acceptable.. What I truly want.  ( which I actually have an appointment Friday ). Stripping the color out of my hair and doing a dark brown with lavender highlights.  

3. I want to get a tattoo on my ankle 

4.  I want to move. I want a little brick house with wood floors and an old school bathtub.  

These past couple days I’ve realized that I need some therapy. I honestly believe I have PTSD from my past.  It overwhelms me.  It has weakened my self worth and confidence. I feel like I’m fighting a battle everyday and I do not trust people in general. People that I have trusted have literally destroyed my heart, soul, mind…    

Destroyed is a harsh word.  Because I’m alive… I’m here… I survived.. 

I guess a better way to put it is… People have toyed with me and tortured me. 

Wanting someone to run wild with is a thought.  It does pop in to my head from time to time.  I wasn’t dating to find someone … I was dating to go out. Get a good meal, good coffee, ok(ish) conversation…   But what if I could find a person that could set my soul on fire?  It has happened once… It could happen again right?  Right?   But even if I did… Could I trust them?  Honestly.. I don’t know.  I remember feeling so beat down & ready to give up… Then one kiss set my soul on fire and I was back in that place where the world couldn’t touch me.  I was soaring so high up in the air that I was safe. Then quickly it crashed leaving me in pieces. Can I trust ANYONE again?  There is such much fear, anger, resentment built up from abuse, torture, being mentally fucked with.  I’m just not sure if I could trust again. 

I want to be able to write letters like Allie and Noah wrote each other.  Honestly… Nothing would please me more.  Call me weird or old fashion…. But that’s what I think about.  I thought I knew what love was… I think I was incredibly wrong. I’m not sure if I’ve ever in my life gotten any sort of love in my direction that wasn’t a lie or a trick.  But to feel safe in someone’s arms.. I’m pretty sure that would be the best feeing in the world.  I wouldn’t know. 

My whole life had been this constant battle of surviving… Fight or flight.  I usually fight. But I’m exhausted.  So I surrender.  I’ve made peace with being me and I just don’t give a fuck anymore.  You don’t like me? Great.  I’m not good enough for you? Fine.  You think i am an idiot?  Ok.   You want to act like I don’t exist or that you don’t give a shit?  Awesome.

I just don’t care.  I’m done fighting.  I’m done trying to be what other people need me to be for them. I give up.

So…  Shoukd I move ahead with my “wants” ? Or is it a mid life crisis thing that I have to get over?    Is it me going in to ” flight ” mode?    

I wish I had the answer. 


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