Well… it’s been a crazy week!

This past week has been a blur of crazy events. 

I’m still trying to move past the election… it’s hard though when you open Twitter and your soon to be leader is having a twitter war with a Broadway musical and a TV show.  Anywho… deep breaths and move along.  

I choreographed a parade… it went alright. Not incredibly smooth but it went well. We are nominated for most entertaining entry. Which is pretty cool.  I’ve never choreographed a parade before so that was something new and challenging.

I had an allergic reaction to a new mascara and spent all of Friday morning at Urgen Care.  My eye was swollen shut and it was so incredibly painful!  I would show the picture but honestly…. it is disgusting!  So… $123 later , two antibiotics and a package of warm compresses… I was sent on my way to heal. It’s day three and though the swelling and pain have gone down.. it still looks horrible! 
Also.. I did the brilliant act of accidentally ripping my piercing out of my nose.  So… I had to go back to Club Tattoo for help. The guy that did my piercing .. Burni… he just laughed and informed me it had to be repierced.  You guys.. let me tell you…  that friggin hurts.  I can’t believe I had to go through that again !  Haha  You best believe i will be more careful after this.

So… that leaves the holidays approaching.  I love decorating for the holidays but I actually do not enjoy the holidays.  It gives me the blues.  It makes me miss my family and friends I’ve lost touch with.  It just makes me kinda sad.   Thanksgiving will be spent with me, myself, and I decorating for Christmas, cleaning carpets and ordering Chinese food.  

Last week was a bit rough but I’m looking forward to a new week and optimistic of things to come 😊
Hope you all have a beautiful week! 😘

Happiness Perks 

Life is rough sometimes.  So I always look forward to the little happiness perks that happened throughout the day. Hopefully… At least one will happen a day. It’s a good way to stay positive in a world that is completely fucked up and chaotic.

What are some of my happiness perks?

There always the usual happiness perks… The ones that score big points in the day.

  1. Getting flowers
  2. The car in front of you are in your coffee in the drive-thru line
  3. Finding a $20 bill in your pocket that you didn’t know you had
  4. Getting a good morning or good night text from someone that makes you happy when you’re having a crappy day

The happiness project or listed above are some of the best ones… They come once in a blue moon. However, you have to make The most out of the little perks that may pop up during the day.

For example…

I love fresh smelling laundry. It makes me happy. I love laying my head down at night and smelling the amazing smell of Downy Unstopables. ( no I did not spell it wrong that’s how they spell it)    Today after going to the bank & paying some bills… I had some money left over and was super excited that I was going to be able to buy my little bottle of happiness.. which is Downy Unstopables.  I was so excited! This has been a really shitty two weeks. From work, to my social life, stress from finances, let’s not even talk about the election..( haha ) I was looking forward to a little happiness Perk.  For about an hour I was super stoked! I could not wait to go to the store.


Then life happened… That little fucker. 

I soon realized that I was running out of cat food and had to use the money that I had to buy the cat food ASAP. Cat food trumps the happiness Perk. 


Sadly… I did not get my Downy Unstopables. 

That’s OK universe… You may have one this time. Hope you’re happy denying me fresh happy smelling laundry. I will get my happiness perk sometime this week… come hell or high water.

The Universe – 1     Me – 0 

The day when dreaming ends…

Congratulations to those that have won.


You have officially broken me and I am gone. You can be proud that the girl who believed in love , fairytales and light is dead and buried.  There isn’t even an empty shell of her left.  


Hope everyone enjoys the creature who has replaced her.  Dark, cold, numb, dead inside. I hate the light. I don’t believe in love at all. Fairytales and happy endings?? Well … they are a joke. 


I’m sure most will be relieved she’s gone.  I’m glad she’s gone.  It makes me laugh that tears and pain were had for so many years…. wasted. Used up.  Died. 

I feel nothing. I care about nothing. 

Hats off to you. Thanks for doing me a favor. I don’t need that shit in my life.   The constant loving , loss, pain, sadness WHO FUCKING NEEDS IT!?!?!!!

I’m glad she’s gone 

Friday night at mesa arts center….

Well it is official… We are now starting into competition. Which means I will be spending my Friday night at mesa arts center. 

Usually I’m pretty nervous when it comes to dance competition season starting… Right now I do not 11th at all. I feel like my soloists no there routines very well. Also… I do not have very many competing tonight.  We have one solos, then three hours later we have the rest of them, then an hour and a half later I have my duet. We should be done around 10 PM tonight. Not too excited about that… Only because I have to be back at the art center early early tomorrow morning… Followed by four hours ever Herstle at the studio… That I have to go back again at 7 PM that night. It is going to be a very long weekend. 

I’m not really sure how it is going to go this weekend… I don’t want to anticipate for anything. Anticipating and assuming is overrated. I’m just going with the flow at the moment.

My patience and tolerance meter is pretty low lately. I hope I can keep my shit together over the weekend. Maybe I’ll get myself a day off on Sunday?

The space between….

There’s a place where I’m at right now. I’m between wanting the knight to climb up the tower to save me or burning the castle straight to the ground. 


I’m 42 years …I’ve only trusted three people with my heart. Each one of them absolutely shredded it. Either by lying, cheating, tearing me down mentally & emotionally , or just tossing me aside like I was nothing.  

So.. it is hard to even let anyone else in. I don’t want to lose that ” fairytale ending” … ” one day my prince will come” feeling. Yet… I would like to wave the white flag , surrender and retreat to the woods to live in a cottage and become the witch of the forest that becomes a hermit. 


Even though the witch in me has always been racing through my veins… I still have that side that wants to pick flowers , talk to faeries , have a conversation with the animals, sing , dance and be rescued with a true love’s kiss. 


Love …. true love isn’t something that should develop. It should hit you like a ton of bricks. It should take your breath away. It should put a smile on your face as soon as that person walks in to the room.  Magic, fireworks and what fairytales are made of. 

Mourning…

It’s always so hard to lose the ones you love. You can ask ” why did this happen”? You can ask a million times. You may never get an answer. 

Thoughts go through your head…

” If I knew that was the last time I saw them… I would have hugged them so tight. They would have known how much they meant to me” 

The chance was there… but it wasn’t taken. You  thought you would see them again. Taken for granted that they would be there. 

It’s always hard to mourn the death of a friend, a relative, your parents , a child… they pass and you grieve in your own way. 

The grieving process is sometimes pretty typical. You feel an enormous amount of loss. You cry. You may go through depression .  After that time of crying and feeling loss… You may turn angry. Spiteful, vengeful, bitter. You want to know why. When you don’t get any answers you shun everything that is associated with that feeling. The next feeling … guilt. You blame yourself they are gone. You are embarrassed for the anger you had. You feel like you have failed them in some way.  The next step … acceptance for what is. You may never forget it. It may still make you sad. You may still feel loss. However, you’ve accepted that they are gone and never coming back. 

But … how do you mourn the loss of a person that is still here?  You feel that heavy loss… but they are with in minutes from you. You go through the whole grieving process… only to keep repeating it … over … over… and over again. 

Mourning someone who isn’t gone has to be the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt. Mourning the loss of a love that once made your heart happy. Mourning someone that you would’ve tried to move heaven and earth for…   they’re gone.  Yet… they aren’t gone. They just don’t need you in their life.  You aren’t the same to them as they are to you.  Their love doesn’t run as deep as yours.  You don’t mean as much to them.  Pretty heart breaking right? 

The pain is enough to cripple you. You get out of bed everyday and hope you don’t think about it. You pray that the broken pieces of your soul will some how , some way,  mend back together again.  

You build a wall so high so no one can touch you….  to block out any thought of it… 

yet you still peek over it from time to time in hopes you see them standing there. 

I’m mourning… again… once again. These tears will not break the grieving process. It won’t mend my soul. It won’t make them stand at the wall… let alone climb over it.  

I wish I did have those moments back. When I walked away… I wish I knew it was going to be the last time I saw him. I would have held him for so long… so he could feel how much he meant to me. So there wouldn’t be a doubt in his mind of how much I loved him. An embrace that would have said… “hey you are fighting demons.. let me fight along side of you”. Getting lost in an embrace that would have spoken soul to soul. 

I believe His mind about me was made up from day one. I was never even given a chance. I didn’t have a chance in hell to be given the permission to love him. Decisions were made…  there wasn’t any faith in me. 

Loss. 

Lost moments.

Mourning 

How do you truly mourn the loss of someone that is still here?