Mourning…

It’s always so hard to lose the ones you love. You can ask ” why did this happen”? You can ask a million times. You may never get an answer. 

Thoughts go through your head…

” If I knew that was the last time I saw them… I would have hugged them so tight. They would have known how much they meant to me” 

The chance was there… but it wasn’t taken. You  thought you would see them again. Taken for granted that they would be there. 

It’s always hard to mourn the death of a friend, a relative, your parents , a child… they pass and you grieve in your own way. 

The grieving process is sometimes pretty typical. You feel an enormous amount of loss. You cry. You may go through depression .  After that time of crying and feeling loss… You may turn angry. Spiteful, vengeful, bitter. You want to know why. When you don’t get any answers you shun everything that is associated with that feeling. The next feeling … guilt. You blame yourself they are gone. You are embarrassed for the anger you had. You feel like you have failed them in some way.  The next step … acceptance for what is. You may never forget it. It may still make you sad. You may still feel loss. However, you’ve accepted that they are gone and never coming back. 

But … how do you mourn the loss of a person that is still here?  You feel that heavy loss… but they are with in minutes from you. You go through the whole grieving process… only to keep repeating it … over … over… and over again. 

Mourning someone who isn’t gone has to be the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt. Mourning the loss of a love that once made your heart happy. Mourning someone that you would’ve tried to move heaven and earth for…   they’re gone.  Yet… they aren’t gone. They just don’t need you in their life.  You aren’t the same to them as they are to you.  Their love doesn’t run as deep as yours.  You don’t mean as much to them.  Pretty heart breaking right? 

The pain is enough to cripple you. You get out of bed everyday and hope you don’t think about it. You pray that the broken pieces of your soul will some how , some way,  mend back together again.  

You build a wall so high so no one can touch you….  to block out any thought of it… 

yet you still peek over it from time to time in hopes you see them standing there. 

I’m mourning… again… once again. These tears will not break the grieving process. It won’t mend my soul. It won’t make them stand at the wall… let alone climb over it.  

I wish I did have those moments back. When I walked away… I wish I knew it was going to be the last time I saw him. I would have held him for so long… so he could feel how much he meant to me. So there wouldn’t be a doubt in his mind of how much I loved him. An embrace that would have said… “hey you are fighting demons.. let me fight along side of you”. Getting lost in an embrace that would have spoken soul to soul. 

I believe His mind about me was made up from day one. I was never even given a chance. I didn’t have a chance in hell to be given the permission to love him. Decisions were made…  there wasn’t any faith in me. 

Loss. 

Lost moments.

Mourning 

How do you truly mourn the loss of someone that is still here? 

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