Hello … long time no see.
Today has been one of those days that I refer to as a ” purge day ”
You see.. I have been living life and going through the motions. I’m fine.. it’s ok. Most of it is just a distraction from thinking about what my heart wants and what my mind keeps it from thinking about. The struggle is … well, it’s fucking exhausting.
There are times when the yearning and wanting out weigh common sense. This is when it’s necessary to purge.
What am I purging? No… the question really is..Who am I purging and why is it necessary?
A person. A person that I’ve loved more than anything. A person that lights up the room when he walks in to it. A person who can kiss me and the world disappears. A person that I surrendered my mind, body and soul to.
So you ask … why ? Why purge this person?
Because… this person thinks I’m disposable. This person makes me fee like I’m a waste of space. This person could care less if I stopped breathing tonight. This person has been so incredibly cruel to me and my heart time and time again. Kicking me until my heart was shattered , my soul crushed , my will depleted. The pain … is so bad I can barely take it.
Yet… I’ve tried… I’ve tried to hate him. Ive tried to ignore him. I’ve tried to numb myself to not feel it. I’ve tried to replace him … only to run because no one can compare to how much I love him. Another man takes my hand and looks at me and says kind words … and I start thinking how it’s not him… and then all they can see in my eyes is a hallow stare. I have nothing to give … they know it… they know I am somewhere else. And I am… I’m in a hundred places that he took me, where we talked, where he kissed me, where he was inside me. My love for him was too much yet I was not enough. How can anyone compare? When he goes away… and he does… my soul is lost.. I am devastated… I feel nothing.
I love him… I love him so much that it hurts. But… it doesn’t matter. It never mattered. I never mattered. And it kills me. I will NEVER be enough…. never.
Today… was a hard day. He popped in to my mind. I started thinking about our first kiss….. and I found myself sitting on the floor in a bathroom crying and shaking. There was a time I use to remember what it felt like with his arms around me. My body would tingle everywhere and the world just melted away. But today… I couldn’t remember… I couldn’t recall … I couldn’t feel it when thinking about it. I never felt so sad and so alone and so broken in so long.
So let the purge begin… because I have to remember… so I can forget. Because I can’t keep chasing ghosts. I can’t keep loving him this way… when I mean nothing to him. He has buried me alive and left me for dead … and just walked away without anything … no words, no goodbyes, nothing… he gave me nothing , he treated me like I’m nothing.
I’m afraid that I’m dying of a broken heart. Literally dying… laying on this floor… I’m dying. The thought of his lips on mine , or remember how he held me … use to get me through tough times. But I am forgetting … it’s slipping away. I’m alone…I’m dying inside… he’s not here… not even his ghost.
I’m going to go back….. wayyyyy back to over 20 years ago. That’s right .. over 20 years. I was sitting upstairs on the floor with him. He was showing me old pictures of him in Tucson .. elementary school pictures. I remember every line on his face … they curved at his eyes when he laughed about his family and his school. He went down stairs to make Ramen noodles and I remember just watching him and being completely fascinated by him. No one ever fascinated me… until him. We watched MTV , we watched a movie…. and it happened … our first kiss. Not too sound like a tramp… but I had kissed many guys before him. I never knew what that ” first kiss” feeling felt like… until he kissed me. I knew I was in trouble …. because as much as I was fascinated by him and as much as he lit my soul on fire… I knew… I knew I was heading for a heartbreak. I jumped in with both feet anyways.
This song played a few times that night he kissed me… I should have known it was a sign of what was to come. A sign from the Universe.
What happened after that? Exactly what everyone said would happen. What I predicted would happen. A lot of kissing, a lot of crying , a lot of dishonesty, a lot of sex, a lot of honesty , a lot of talking , a lot of figuring it out. Ups and downs. He was there … he wasn’t …. he’d come back… he would run…. he was there.
I remember one night he asked me… why don’t you ever say you love me? He was right… I never did. I was absolutely terrified to admit it. One because before then …I lived a life of having no one besides me and I wasn’t use to letting anyone in. Two because I knew as soon as I said it … he would use it like a weapon and run. I was terrified.
One day … I was sitting at home… I had to run to him… I had to tell him. I got there … I told him… and in return he told me he was moving away. Like mirror … my trust was shattered in pieces. It was like the rug had been yanked out from under neath me. He put headphones on me and played this song… this will be the first time in many years I’ve played it.
Well… he left… I was devastated. I tried to move on. I was angry. I was sad . His face was everywhere to me. Time had past and I had to reach out to him. So I did. That conversation led to me jumping on a plane and going to Minnesota. I hated flying. I usually never got on a plane if the flight was over an hour or two. But he was worth conquering my fear and I jumped on that flight knowing… I was in trouble. The flight landed … I could barely stand up and exit the plane. A part of me wanting to run to him and the other wanting to stay on the plane…because I knew . I knew this trip would change me forever. And it did.
Minnesota was … magic. I fell so incredibly in love with him.. within the first few hours I was there. The long drive to his house from the airport. The cocoa cereal, the heater not working , the Pizza Hut, the medal that hung on the rear view mirror, the frogs ( an army of frogs) that were all over the street, the mall of America… the confessions we both made , the secrets we shared…
I remember looking straight in to his soul and knowing … I was going to love him for the rest of my life.
One night… a cold night… we sat outside by the water by some trees. I was freezing but I did not want to be anywhere else, with anyone else for the rest of my life. This song reminds me of that night …
When I returned home … it wasn’t too long until he came back. He came back once again. I had never been so happy. He was here…. he was in my arms, in my bed, in my life. That happiness was soon yanked from under my feet…. he left. Why? What did i do? How? I slipped in to a deep sleep for months while he ran back and forth in and out of my life. I can’t even remember how, when, where… it was a blur. The mirror of trust I glue back together again cracked and fell apart.
A long time went by … it seemed like one of those cheesy montages from movies.. like Hugh Grant walking through the seasons in Notting Hill. I felt like I was in slow motion and the rest of the world was on fast forward. I missed him terribly even though he broke my heart & my trust…. i missed him terribly.
New Year’s Eve my room mate yells out the door … he’s on the phone … he wants to talk to you. I remember being frozen in fear. If I answer the phone … we would pick up right where we left off…I knew I was in trouble. His face , his kiss, his touch, his laugh, his sense of humor… I loved him. I ran to the phone. Everything else was exactly back in place.
This song … will forever be for us… no matter what lifetime
So… he left. He went back to Tucson. I was not surprised… I started becoming numb to his coming and going by then. He would call from his work. Sometimes it felt like he was right there beside me. The world could be exploding and it didn’t matter as long as he was there. I loved him…. I tried to move on. His face was everywhere to me. I did not want anyone else. I loved him.
He came back … for a night. And that will be the night that would change our story from a love story of girl loves boy to a tragic love story that will haunt me for an eternity. This part is just too painful.. i was afraid, I was lost, I was … I don’t know.. it was terrifying ..: his response to my pleading for help…
” I’m getting engaged ”
My heart was obliterated that day. I wanted to die. I did not want to live on this planet if he wasn’t with me and I didn’t want to go through the life that was coming at me at full speed. My soul left my body that day…. I was an empty shell.
He left me for dead.
It’s funny how time can mask what you’re feeling. You find ways to preoccupy yourself so you don’t actually think about anything you don’t want to. You bury yourself with work. You take up a new hobby. You think… i have survived the worst right? It’s gotta get better from here. You make space for new friends. You fill that void with a handsome face that will try to refocus you in a different direction. My friends did not mention ” his name” music or movies that made me think of him were not played. I was going through my life like was wreaking vengeance on everyone. I was dating and breaking up with people just because. I wanted to hurt anyone ..: I wanted them to feel what I was feeling. I wanted someone to pay. I was spinning out of control.
One night was sitting alone in the dark staring at the wall. There was a knock at my door…. it was him. I stared in disbelief… he was here. The night before his wedding he was in front of me. Why? How? Why?? He told me he didn’t want to get married, he told me he missed me, he told me he loved me… I cried , he held me outside in the parking lot of my apartment complex. I didn’t want him to let me go…. he did. He got married. He left.
I turned into a black widow after that. I shut down. I hurt people ,I lied, I cheated, I turned in to a hateful and spiteful human being. I vowed that I would NEVER love anyone again. ” he ” would never be uttered in my presence again. I never wanted to see him. I was destroyed.
Time passed… my phone rang. It was him. He was on the other end telling me how much he missed me, how much he thought about me, how much he needed me. The wall that i put up , the hatred inhad to everyone .. diminished in 3 minutes. I couldn’t help myself … I loved this man. He told me he had been listening to this song over and over again..: thinking of me .:.
What happened after that? Nothing
In typical fashion he’s allowed to do and say whatever he feels and I have to be perfect and never say anything .
He lived his happy little life and I preoccupied my life with things. I let someone near me just to drown out the noise of me missing ” him” so much.
The preoccupid time led to me dating someone , moving in with them and getting married. The plus side ..: I got an amazing kid to show for. The down side … he was a piece of garbage who tried me like I was scum of the earth and was dishonest, a cheater , a mental abuser and a real douche. Years went by… years…. and guess who came back?
Yep… you guessed it.
What did I do? I couldn’t stay away. I met him a couple of times at the zoo. He called me a handful of times. Everything fell back in to place… it’s like he never left. Conversations , laughs.:. All still there. Did anything go past that… No.
But my soul woke up… it knew he was there.
The conversations Grew more frequent … one night I got a call. He said… would you run away with me right now. Would you do it? Now.. before you say … don’t do it!! Don’t worry I didn’t . But… if I didn’t have a child.. I would have in two seconds. Because I loved this man… he was everything to me. I said No…. he hung up… I didn’t hear from him for another couple years.
My marriage was falling apart. I was being treated like garbage and I was at the point of a massive depression. My friends knew I was going down fast. One day my friend called me and said…. I know his number. I found him. I said… how? Why? Where? I knew I was in trouble. (See a pattern forming yet?) I got the number and I called him. As soon as he said hello…. my soul woke from its coma and I could breathe again.
We talked for months. He was going through some tough times .. and so was I. I wants to do everything in my power to rescue him. I loved this man.
Time went by and one day I get the call. Heather… it’s me. I’m in town . I want to see you. What did I do ? I dropped everything. I met up with him… it had been soooo long. He met me at my work. We chatted a long time. A couple hugs here and there. It felt so good to be in his arms. He kissed me on the cheek. My soul burst to life… I had to ask him… “will you do that again? “. He did. I can feel the blood rush through my veins, my soul starting to smolder… I kissed him on the cheek and he grabbed me and kissed me like I’ve never beeen kissed in my life. My souls caught on fire that night. It burned brighter than ever. I loved this man.
So… many events took place After that. I can’t even talk about them because I’m so incredibly STILL grieving them.
He came he left… he came and left……he came … he left. You see the pattern. He wants me one minute he despises me the next. I was broken in a million pieces ….
What now? I’m preoccupying myself with new friends, new jobs, new hobbies…. drowning out the sound of his voice, forgetting his eyes and how they look when he laughs out loud, him drumming his hands on his dash board while singing. The way he kissed me and how he sets my souls on fire.
Over 20 years of this …. but today I didn’t remember right away how he felt. The sense of panic sets in. Did I forget this time? Did my soul finally give up and surrender?
I love this man, he does not love me.
But I miss him terribly.
To Purge ….
1. The rid (someone) of an unwanted feeling, memory, or condition, typically giving a sense of cathartic release.
In this case ….I’m trying to remember him so I can purge this dark cloud lingering over my soul. I want to purge the guard that is guarding my heart. I want purge the fear and darkness I feel without him. I love him and I always will.
If I start forgetting … I have this entry to help me to remember. 🌙💙🌙💙🌙💙