Dance… There are days when my body had given out, broke, shattered, torn… my body was saying ” you’re done”. I could have and most likely should have walked away from dance after my three discs in my back decided they wanted out too. I thought … “maybe this is it? I’m too old. I’m too slow. My body was not 28 anymore … it’s time”.
That was not an option my mind, heart and soul wanted to hear nor did they accept it.
The thought of not waking up to a day of music, dancers on the floor, the 8 count that you love to nit pick and go over… how will I go on with out it? It would be like losing the greatest friend I ever had, losing touch with someone that I trusted more than anyone, that person I confide in, be myself with. Since I was 3 years old… it was Dance that pushed me to be better. It was Dance that comforted me when my friends didn’t want to play. It was Dance that kept me sane and who was there for me when my family life was harsh, sad, sometimes unbearable. It was Dance that lifted my spirits when boyfriends broke up with me or friendships crumbled. It was Dance that help me get up out of bed the morning after my mother died. It was Dance that I ran to when my life was in a tail spin… chaos & sadness at home, diagnosed with depression, trying to salvage anything I had to stand back up on my own two feet when life ( or people ) kicked them out from under me.
This wonderful being that had been with me for almost 40 years… it will be gone? The way I hear music… feel it , see it.. will that be gone? The incredible wonderland of opportunities that I can escape to… it will be gone?
How? How will I live?
For every step is like roots from a tree that has been planted and watered by dancers & choreographers from every era. Every beat in the music is a beat in my heart. Every bruise, scrape, torn tendon, fractured bone is proof that I lived in this world of dance.. I live here… it’s my home.
When I was younger ..I came home one day and told my mother ” I don’t know if I can do this. It’s hard. I don’t fit the part. It’s not easy. I don’t feel like anyone really likes me. I am not good enough. What should I do??” She smiled at me and said ” what does your heart want?”
I knew. She knew.
That stage… those lights … that music… the steps.. a swirling ball of energy that lighted my soul and made my heart beat.
Tonight is the eve of the anniversary of my mother’s passing. It never gets easier. I’m sure it will be a rough night followed by a tough morning. But tomorrow night… I have Dance and that is the most comforting thought that I can possibly have at this time.