Have you ever sat in a dark room… Listening to the sound of the traffic going by… And all of a sudden you feel like a very small piece in a enormous puzzle?
I guess that’s what is considered ” the still of the night”
It’s nights like this that I go over every meaningful conversation I’ve had. Every face that burned a hole in my memories. Lips that felt like all the worlds happiness in one kiss. All the thigs I want to accomplish and all the things I’ve failed at.
It’s like a tidal wave of thoughts,memories, feelings & emotions.
During the day you can get side tracked and distracted by daily chores, errands, work…. That sort of thing. But… In the night.. There isn’t a way to hide from it.
The feeling of grief , fear, loss, rejection, heartbreak, failure, worthlessness … Decide to come out of the shadows and greet me with open arms. Sometimes, I can pull the covers over my head and ignore them. Sometimes…. I invite them in and they over stay their welcome until the sun comes up.
They ask so many questions…
Why doesn’t he love you? Why can’t you be better? Where are you going to go from here? Why don’t you just pack up and disappear? When will you get your shit together? Why can’t you be prettier? Who can love a person like you?
They will all yell at once. Loud. Aggressively.
I curl up in a ball and cry until my eyes hurt to much to keep open. I finally fall asleep and hope they will leave before I open my eyes in the morning.
There are nights… Like tonight… When I put up a fight against them. It works well enough… Until panic and anxiety set in … Exhausted from putting up the good fight.
I use to love the night. I would light candles, sit in a dark room and listen to music, write poems and letters, say little chants to stay focused. I loved the night. It’s too bad I’m absolutely terrified of it now. All I see in the night is what I lost… Haunting me. Sometimes I remember how he felt. I remember how she cried. I remember how it felt. Pain, loss, grief…. Sitting at my bedside.
I’ve always been strong. I had no choice. It’s something that had to happen to ensure my survival. I survived… Domestic violence, molestation, death in the family, pure heartbreak, betrayal, lies, more death, solitude, self hate, the same painful heartbreak, harassment…. You get the point.
Surviving is exhausting… Sometimes I’m truly exhausted.
When the sun comes up … Things seem to melt away. I know longer feel loss sitting on my shoulder. I don’t regret loving those that threw me away. I realize my self worth and feel sorry for those that have rejected and abandoned me … I would never rejected them and I would have moved mountains for their happiness… It’s their loss. I could care less about the lynch mob that tried to attack my character at every turn when it comes to my business and the decisions made. The sun brings me the strength to put it behind me and carry on.
I do miss the moon and her company. But for now… I will look to the sun and the warmth it brings me to light my way.